Who among you will have me?
Friend, will you receive this punching fist?
Colleague, will you meet all these demands?
Child, will you wear these insults?
Husband, will you soak up all these tears?
Who among you will take this piece from me?
Take this part of me that lashes and cuts?
I hold this piece away from me,
this child part that wants to kill a man.
I lock it in a dark brown room
where it drags sticks along the floor
and lights another fire in my chest.
It smears the walls with faeces,
and slices rows into my skin.
It laughs when people gag and turn in horror.
Who among you will help this child
who hates because it was hated,
who snatches all the cards I need
then rips them up with glee?
Who can love a thing made in the heat of incest?
I take it to my therapist,
he wears his softest smile,
he praises it and gives it space
but even he can’t tame it.
It waits and waits, it asks and asks
until it drains him of his patience.
Eventually his voice grows
brisk then he gives up.
Even he can’t win the game
of torture that it loves to play.
Find me someone who can love
this thing that’s terrified of love.
Find me someone it can kill.
Until then it takes a piece of me each day,
I let it play this way because my debt is huge.
It let me sleep each time he came,
it sacrificed itself to endless vile acts
and never told a soul.
It was his prisoner and plaything
so until I die I will be its toy.
Boon, S. Steele, K. & Van Der Hart, O. (2011). Coping with Trauma Related Dissociation: Skills Training for Patients and Therapists. London: W.W. Norton & Company.